5 Way To Prevent An Itchy Beard
All the way from his sunny California sabbatical, it’s the beard doctor!! (and the crowd goes wild).
My bearded buddies, my furry friends, and my curly comrades, welcome to another installment of my facial hair based propaganda.
I’d like to start this article off with something that hits close to home.
Recently I have been at the forefront of a prolonged scandal.
The editorial firm that represents me, along with my friends over at Perkins Coie, have informed me that I can no longer refer to myself as the “beard doctor” due to the minor detail that I lack any “real” medical qualifications.
Fear not my bearded brethren, while I may not fit this establishment's criteria, my knowledge and grasp of the bearded literature is absolute.
The topic I have chosen to discuss today is an issue that plagues nearly everyone capable of growing facial hair - the infamous beard itch.
Whether you're sporting a full sized face mullet or keeping it simple with the stubble, the itch will find you, and it will bug the living crap out of you.
In an interview with Connor Smith co-founder of Newmen, Conner boldly stated “I would rather set myself on fire than have to deal with beard itch one more day.”
While Conner may have taken his comments to a new extreme, this is a significant problem affecting the bearded community at large.
While the solutions to this dilemma are not rocket science, the total lack of information currently out there has kept beards itchy.
Nearly every time I think of beard itch my mind drifts towards a conversation I had with my pal Joe about the subject:
It was a cold Saturday last Fall, dusk was on the horizon. As we sat on the porch admiring the sunset and putting back vodka like a couple of college coeds, I couldn’t help but notice the eerie gaze of Joe’s eyes. After another throat burning shot and the confidence that came with it, I finally broached the subject and asked Joe what was the matter. In a tone filled with despair Joe admitted that he could no longer go on - that it was just too hard. Joe was considering shaving his beard due to the intense itchy sensation that came with it. While I could tell that my friend was clearly in a state of dismay, I couldn’t help but give off a small chuckle. “Joe” I told him “beard itch is not that hard to get rid of, for the love of god do not shave off your beard.”
What I told Joe changed his life. Now he can rock the beard he loves without the itch he hates. Below I have provided the 5 life changing tips (in no particular order) that I told to Joe. Hopefully they can change your life too.
1. Do Not Regularly Shampoo Your Beard And If You Do Use The Right Stuff.
If you were anything like me, namely a sh*t head foreign to the world of personal hygiene, you more than likely used to aggressively wash your hair once, if not twice a day with your moms old bottle of L'Oreal shampoo.
As you approached your early twenties you probably began to notice that shampooing your hair every day left it dryer than a Popeyes biscuit and frizzier than your old english teacher wig.
Shampooing the hair atop your head daily is actually harmful for more than a multitude of reasons that I do not feel like getting into, and the same is true of shampooing your facial hair.
Your facial hair should be washed at the most twice a week with the proper beard shampoo.
Yes you heard that right - regular shampoo should be avoided at all cost when washing your face fuzz.
If you use the right stuff and apply the proper amount I guarantee your beards itchiness level will decrease by approximately 17%.
2. Use Special Beard Conditioners.
I cannot stress this point enough - conditioner is vital not only to the health of your beard, but also for the itch.
Conditioner, yeah that overpriced garbage your girlfriend spends $60 plus on, is actually super useful for curtailing that annoying incessant itch.
Special beard conditioners possess oils crucial to keeping your beard from drying out, such as jojoba oil, argan oil, sweet almond oil and many others.
Once you begin using the proper conditioner do not be surprised if your beard itchiness level decreases by 23%.
3. Use Oils And Balms.
As a man it should not be frowned upon to purchase pivotal cosmetics.
A real man should not be ashamed of lathering his face rug with bourbon scented balm nor should he feel different when he drenches his beard with the finest pine scented oils.
Balms and oils, a seemingly obvious solution, are so often slept on.
You don’t eat your toast dry and you always dress a salad, the same should be true of maintenancing your beard with oils and balms.
When regularly used, these ingredients from god will leave your beard feeling 33% less itchy.
4. Trim Your Beard Up Regularly.
Telling a bearded man to trim his beard is akin to telling him you are holding his first born son for ransom.
When I say trim, however, I am not referring to the length for which you hold so dear, I am in fact referring to the lower neck area.
While others may argue that a longer beard creates an itchy beard, my research shows the opposite.
While I will spare you the details of said research, I will tell you that trimming up the lower neck area will result in your beard becoming 21% less itchy.
5. Brush Your Beard Hair.
“I thought brushing my tender face mane was only for style points?”
No you are sadly mistaken.
Brushing your beard hair kills two bird with one stone - not only will you look great but your beard will also itch less.
Using a boar’s hair brush will allow you to distribute natural oils throughout your facial hair making your beard 25% less itchy.
There you have it folks - a foolproof systematic guide to finally getting rid of beard itch.
If these steps are followed to a tee do not be surprised if any of the following happen to you:
- Your beard begins to glow an people began mistaking you for a male model;
- People throw money at you - usually larger bills;
- Your girlfriend proposes to YOU.
[A doctor original]